stuartwesley.com

(This post has been percolating for a while.  It comes from what I observe around a range of contexts that I find myself in.  Whenever one ventures to talk about parenting it can be controversial.  I write this to offer a perspective and opinion that may stir people to think more deeply.)

I have four children. Actually two of them are grown up. Laura is married and Jordan is overseas for 2012. Amelia and Micah still at home.

It amazes me the number of parents who excuse the bad behaviour of their children by providing reasons why their child or their family is unique or exceptional. I reckon we have heard it all over the years. Even though we have 2 boys and 2 girls with an 11 year age gap between oldest and youngest we still get comments like “but you have not got 3 boys (or 4 boys or whatever)”, “just wait until they are teenagers”, “your kids are good because they are placid (laughing very loudly now)” “my child is very intelligent or very creative” and the list goes on.

Parent’s develop stories to excuse their children for not being able to fit in with simple societal standards of behaviour. My child can’t because…..(fill in the blank). I think it makes us parents feel better about ourselves when we do this.

Please note, I am not commenting on medically diagnosed conditions here. That is a different issue which needs compassion and support.

But what about not excusing our children. What about actually taking up the mantle of being a parent and training children to do what they need to do without excuses. How about we stop justifying the poor behaviour of our children. How about we teach our children that not everything in the world is for them. How about when they are a part of something that is not completely focused on or tailored to them we just tell them to sit quietly and respect those around them. How about recognising that our children have limited wisdom because they are children and they need parental direction, boundaries and discipline all in the context of love.

I heard of a 9 year old today who was commenting on the bad behaviour of another boy. He said, “why doesn’t his mother stop him?” It was a pretty simple world to this 9 year old. He got it.

Each family is unique, of course. But on the other hand it is just another family with multiple relationships, personalities, strengths and struggles.

My family is far from perfect but I am committed to not making excuses for my kids when they are behaving badly. I will name it and call them to something higher.  And yes, they embarrass me at times and sometimes I feel like they make me look bad as a parent.  But it is my job to train them. They are a work in progress and to make excuses for what is not acceptable  is simply a parent saying they have given up in engaging with the work in progress that is their child.

So this is a call to parents to not make excuses.  If we set a standard I believe our children will come up to it.  As parents we are the ones who set family standards and family culture.  Families need to be led by parents, not dictated to by children.

On the 14th January our eldest daughter got married. One of our best family days ever! On the 26th January our eldest son heads off to South Africa for the Christian Surfers Leadership Training School for 10 months.

In the space of two weeks we have moved from having all four of our children living at home to just the younger two. It’s an adjustment and there is a little grief.

Thinking about my son moving to South Africa is something that I know is what is best for him and needs to happen for him to grow. Everything he is venturing out on is outside his comfort zone, even the predicted 10 foot swell that Jeffrey’s Bay is predicted to produce on his arrival. Sad to see him go but satisfied that this is what is right for the next part of his journey.

Discussing all this with my brother in law he found this from Richard Rohr:

“The biological father is hardly ever the initiator of his own son. Their is too much tension in the relationship….other men must ‘kill the boy softly’ so that the man can emerge.” (From Wild Man to Wise Man, p132)

This rings true with me. I think my job is to cheer and encourage as other men and God do their work.

I was 12 years old and it was 1977 when I first went to Mandalay Caravan Park with my parents.  33 years later I am still going there and of all the places we have holidayed as a family, this would still be my kids favourite.  I taught all but the youngest to ride a bike whilst on holidays in this park.

This was a different trip because for the first time our oldest two children went away for Easter, but not with us.  It made me reflect on the lengthy prayerful and thoughtful process we went through deciding to have a 3rd child…(there was no thought or prayer about number 4!!).  I realised that had we not had children 3 and 4 we would have been there on our own…empty nesters at 43 and 45.  Certainly not ready for that.

What a blessing to have a family.

Well we have finally succumbed to Sunday sport. We have never had a big objection to it.  It is just that as a family, meeting with the community of believers has been more important to us than sport on a Sunday.

Micah, our passionate 9 year old youngest son, is mad on sport of any description but football in the winter and cricket in the summer are the focal points of his life.  So since we are having a sabbatical and going to church Saturday afternoons at the Abbey Vineyard, Micah won us over.  Anyway, games are at 8.30am so we should be able to make it along to church should we want to.

That is until today.  This weeks game; 12 noon.  And different times every week.  And parents get a roster to bring oranges, goal umpiring, time keeping and probably offering massages to the troops as well!  By the way, there is no conversation about whether you want to be on a roster or not…you have a son playing, you are on a roster and you contribute.  (Carolyn has already refused Goal Umpiring duties…and I think we are all relieved about that actually).

There is only one thing to do.  Dive into it, get to know people, enjoy watching the boys play and embrace this new and unexpected mission field.  I am convinced that if we stay attentive to the Holy Spirit there will be a way for us to be people of God among the football families.

As a coach I often work with people around the idea of options.  I have found this to be a very fruitful line of conversation in coaching.  So often people are locked into one way of seeing or doing things.  The coach can be very effective in helping people open up to a fuller array of possibilities through exploring options.  Many people have found new directions through this process.

I have been reflecting on the down side of options and whether or not even the notion of options is really valid for someone wanting to follow Christ.

My conclusion is that options are a good place to start in considering what the Lord is calling us to but at some point, after seeking God, you have to settle on what He is saying.  At that point life become a matter of obedience.  This is where options cease.

The danger is that we consider options but never really settle what God is calling us to.  So when option #1 gets a bit tough, we find ourselves reverting to option #2 or #3…We can even spiritualise saying, “option #1 is a bit hard, it must not be God’s will”.  To me this results in living without conviction.

Any walk of faith brings us to the times when we are like the Israelites trapped between a Red Sea and an Egyptian army.  These are the moments we need to have conviction about what God has said to us.  Without conviction about what God has said we will find ourselves looking for a way out, option #2.  When we have conviction and are prepared to live in obedience to God and stick with it in the face of huge opposition, we just might see a Red Sea open.

Of course, there is a place to reveiw and recheck and adjust course.  We don’t always get it right in our walk of faith.

Steve Waugh, the great Australian cricket captain was known to encourage his players to ‘back themselves’.  This has been a great encouragement to me in my walk with God.  The message to me:

“stop second guessing your walk with God. Trust in His ability to lead you and your ability to hear from Him.”  This is about moving  from options to obedience and conviction.

James 1

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Options are a great place to start, but in the end one has to commit and not look back.  

As we approached the 18th birthday party for our son Jordan, people were worried for us. Especially Carolyn’s university colleagues.

There were no gate crashers, there was more soft drink drunk than alcohol, nobody got smashed and we as the parents, and the grandparents also, had some great conversations with our young guests.

Most were part of the Christian Surfers crew from the Scarborough mission.

These guys know how to have fun as photos and stories from surf trips attest but this was fun without the down side.

We went to Quinns Baptist Church today and my great friend Andrew Hamilton spoke about living counter cultural lives as followers of Christ.

I can’t help but think that this crew of Christian Surfers have figured out at least something of what it looks like to be counter cultural in their generation. I am hoping that as the years go by and as they keep following Christ that their lives will continue to look like something radically different from the norm.

That they will be seen as more than normal people who also go to church!